INT. MODEST HOUSE IN THE NEW YORK CITY SUBURBS
Stacey, our heroine, is a 39-year-old woman who writes recaps for an awful professional basketball team. We find her sitting in a comfy chair in the den of her house, staring at her TV in disbelief. Her laptop is positioned in front of her on a TV tray and there’s a blank document with a blinking cursor on the screen.
This isn’t happening to me again.
She stands up and begins to pace the room.
Why am I always stuck recapping a loss??
She shouts a string of expletives that scare her cats, causing them to scurry out of the room and sits back down. She attempts to write something, anything, but fails miserably. Instead, she shuts down her laptop and leaves the room. The game recap can wait until the morning.
I foolishly thought that sleeping on last night’s game would make writing this recap easier for me. I also believed that with some time, I wouldn’t be as angry with last night’s loss to the Celtics as I was right as it happened.
I was wrong.
The New York Knicks are terrible, horrible, no good… very bad. They are now 6-16 on the season and more importantly, they are 0-5 when I’m assigned to write the game recaps and because of this, I’d rather watch the following list more than the 2013-2014 Knicks:
- A colonoscopy
- A giant whitehead being popped
- The Ben Affleck/Jennifer Lopez classic “Gigli”
- Two girls, one cup
- Someone purposely giving his or herself a paper cut
What’s most frustrating is that the Knicks could have won last night’s game and if they had been able to pull it out, it would have been a morale boosting victory. The Knicks were trailing by as many as 17 points in the second quarter and it was beginning to resemble Sunday’s game when the Celtics spanked the Knicks and beat them by 41 points at the Garden. But the Knicks mounted a comeback, aided by a 20-9 run, to pull to within six at the half and they were up 11 with eight minutes left in the fourth quarter. It actually looked like I would finally be on my way to recapping my first victory of the season, and then it all went to hell.
The pesky Celtics launched a comeback of their own in the fourth quarter and after Carmelo Anthony missed a shot that could have tied the game late, my dreams of writing a victorious recap were shattered. Of course, our Knicks did everything they could to help the C’s to victory. They missed shots late, allowed guys in home whites to drive to the basket without even attempting to defend them and even when the Celtics were trying to give the Knicks the game by turning the ball over, the boys in the road blues couldn’t capitalize.
WHAT WENT RIGHT
- Carmelo Anthony carried the team in the first half on 7-13 shooting. He had 26 points, four rebounds and three assists.
- Amar’e Stoudemire was the only guy who came off the bench that did anything worthwhile. He finished with 18 points on 7-9 shooting and looked good when he was channeling Hakeem Olajuwon in the lane.
- Andrea Bargnani had 22 points and hit all of his free throws.
- The Knicks didn’t lose by 41.
WHAT WENT WRONG
- Melo in the second half: 2-11 shooting. He was clearly exhausted at the end of the game and still insisted on chucking shots that ended up missing horribly. He was like a drunk guy trying to win his girlfriend a stuffed animal on the Jersey Shore boardwalk – just throwing the ball at the hoop and hoping for the best
- The Celtics had a lot of turnovers last night (15) and the Knicks couldn’t capitalize on that at all. They’d either turn the ball over themselves and give it right back or throw up an awful shot, allowing Boston to get it back.
- The other guys coming off the bench – J.R. Smith, Tim Hardaway Jr. and Beno Udrih – were awful. Smith didn’t even attempt his first shot of the game until 5:12 left in the game and guess what? He missed it. He scored two points thanks to a pair of free throws.
- Courtney Lee and Jared Sullinger. If I were writing a Celtics recap, they’d be in the ‘What Went Right’ section but I’m recapping the Knicks and they were both menaces last night. Lee was hitting ridiculous shots including a bank three as the shot clock was running out in the first half. What a jerk. And Sullinger averages 13 points a game so of course he dropped 19 on the Knicks and was able to drive the lane with no issues.
- Iman Shumpert was terrible last night. He was shooting airballs and looked unsure of himself. Maybe it was because of the injury he suffered in the win against the Bulls or maybe he wants to play badly because his name keeps popping up in trade talks. Who knows.
- The Knicks were 5-21 from three and Bargnani was 0-5. Gross.
- Kenyon Martin left the game in the third quarter after straining an abdominal muscle because if there is something this Knicks team needs, it’s more injuries to the guys who can actually play defense. He’ll likely be out for a few weeks, as he hobbled off the floor like a woman about to go into labor.
- It was a Friday night, which meant we heard a lot of Robert Randolph going into and out of the commercial breaks but according to Tina Cervasio, Pearl Jam was the night’s featured artist. I’d really like to know what Pearl Jam did to the Knicks to deserve this. Poor guys. They couldn’t have a better team showcase their new material?
- After Shumpert launched one of his two airballs, Clyde Frazier uttered this gem: “You can’t wish ‘em in, you gotta swish ‘em in!” This should become the motto for this year’s team. Clyde is the best:
The Knicks will be back at home tonight facing the Atlanta Hawks and I may be taking the night off from watching basketball because I can’t go to bed angry two nights in a row.